Thursday, May 05, 2011

Timewalking Archive Trap: Hitler & 80's

While I was watching a movie with some of my friends today, we were watching a preview for Valkyrie and we started talking:
Movie: "If they catch you, they'll tear you to pieces."
"...or they'll shoot you."
"You saw it?"
"Yeah, he and I saw it together."
"How was it?"
*Shrug* "Predictable. Hitler lives."
"Yeah. Guess that sucks about historical movies; you usually know how they end."
"It'd be great if there was a deleted scene where Hitler does die."
"It's Hollywood; they could just make that the ending and make the alternate ending what really happened."
*In movie announcer voice* " 'Inspired by the true events of World War Two: Hitler Dies Before WWII.' "
"They'd make a sequel!"
"And sell Hitler action figures with little coffin accessories-"
"Oh, and when you close it and hit the button, the Hitler spins around so when you open it again, it's a dried up Hitler-corpse."
"Nah, I'd use the horror ending; credits roll and a Hitler's hand thrusts upwards from his grave."
"Hah! Better: they're taking him away in the body bag, and he busts out with a fist to knock a guy out."
"No, no: Hitler salute that slices through the bag and catches one of the...dead body hauling guys...right in the windpipe"
"...and then he goose-steps the other one in the crotch."
"Then, he tears through the body bag like Boris Karloff, then stumbles towards the edge of the clearing. There, closes with the camera and we see that he's totally a zombie. He stops and gives another Hitler salute towards something off screen...pan back and there's the real Hitler with a bunch of Hitler guys and soldiers who mysteriously disappeared for the last 30 minutes of the film."
"Sequel city."

The 80's
The 80's were so Eighties that someone once said, "Let's make a movie about Batman?"

And then someone else said, "Who should be Batman, the Dark Knight? The Crusader in a Cape? The living scourge of Gotham's Underworld?"

"Michael Keaton," said the other guy, "He was Beetle Juice."

"Radical! And for this this gritty exploration of a city wrapped in eternal night, this man driven to avenge the grisly deaths of his parents deaths and his homicidally maniacal"


"Hell yeah! This will totally fucking beat Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade!"

Ten Months Later...

(And it totally beat Indiana Jones.)

So if anyone ever asks you how eighties the 80's were, the correct answer is, "I'm Batman."

1 comment:

skiltao said...

Holy crap, just realized that George Clooney batman was '97. Perhaps the '90s were also the '80s.

And, nothing to do with anything, but I'm betting that "Cowboys and Aliens" is what Lucas really wanted to do with Indy 4.