Guys, I Am So Tired

If you're reading this, you probably know a few things about me. I'm well educated. I can put a few words together. I've been a clerk, an retail manager, a writer, a mechanic, and a former sailor in The US Navy. I have a degree in Nuclear Engineering Technology. I say without reservation that I am a friggin' genius.

I've been looking for a permanent job for about a year now. I don't have an engineering degree proper. I have some computer science training, but no actual certifications and I don't have enough knowledge of CSS, Javascript, and SQL. I certainly don't have experience in any of those fields, as I opted to work offshore to pay my way though college because my parents, (and this will be the only time I say this collectively) god bless their souls, couldn't afford to pay for it[1].

But I am tired guys. After five applications a day. After shifting through every permutation of cover letter and resume I can think of--up to and including copying the formats from other people. After stretching all of the considerable things I've done to try to appeal to people who are hiring for "assistant scientist" and "temporary engineering internships." I have nothing. I didn't graduate from UTSA or Brown in four clock-work years. I walked away from The US Naval Academy over 10 years ago, so I'm not especially angry that no one's interested. I understand that I don't look like a strong bet.

The last time I went on a date, it was with an incredibly sensible guy who insisted he pay for everything because he actually had an income. He was smart, and challenging, and attractive and I couldn't go on a second date with him because wow what was I actually bringing to the table? The funny thing is that I only left my AT Shield to date because I thought it would be a great--if below-board--way to network. Date number one blew up in my face in an amazing, good way and now I'm just out, out of the market, and out of that line of inquiry because even though it's an effective approach, I can't get a job by manipulating people.

My tax return looks good. It's money I've basically put aside. There have been about four or five groups of money I've put aside and it's that last one before I go back to Louisiana and live on someone's couch for a few months before realizing that not even anyone in the US' 49th State--the one that's not even extraordinary enough to have the distinction of being dead last--wants to hire me.

I know a lot of people with college degrees are unemployed. I keep hearing about how we need scientists. About how we have a lack of people with technical knowledge. I've gone over every site I can for technical companies; I've even applied for jobs in Atlanta. If you guys are familiar with how much I hate fucking Georgia, you'd realize how big a deal that is. I've submitted resumes for jobs in England and Saudi Arabia. I've swung over and under my weight class. And I always always have the impression that maybe I zigged when I should have zagged on one resume. Maybe if I'd put Education above Skills, they would've asked me out to Seattle, or Denver, or Chicago for an interview.

I'm trying, is what I'm saying, and if I was getting a "No" back, I'd be angry but I'm only hearing this calm, indifferent silence.

It isn't my intent to whine. I'm just saying that I've been too spent to avoid being uncommunicative, rude, disconnected, or straight-up nihilistic lately. I'd apologize, but I have a hard policy of only apologizing when I think I'm wrong and won't do it again. It is wrong of me to ignore, disparage, and exhibit indifference to my friends and family, but I can't say I won't be doing it again the future. I don't even know what my April looks like, so I can't guarantee the moody, flippant, and mean behavior won't continue without lying to you all.

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[1] And in all honestly, my dad probably shouldn't have.