“Hey, Merfolk Looter. Didn’t see you there. When did you get back into town?”
“Oh really? the 16th? Where’ve you—“
“…oh. I guess that answers my question about whether you want a drink or not.”
“…look, Mer, there’s something I wanted to say before you left; I’m sorry. I…I just wanted that deck to work so badly—“
“I’ll admit that I deserved that. It was thoughtless and I know that you took a lot of Baloths to the face because I couldn’t accept that Pyromancer Ascension combo wasn’t going to work. I just…knew somewhere deep down that with you and the Archmage’s Ascension…I don’t know. I don’t know what I thought. I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking anything besides how, if I got you guys together, the synergy would just come later, and I was wrong."
“You deserved better. Archmage’s Ascension deserved better. You all did.”
“Her? She’s in this control deck I made. It’s stupid, but…it works somehow.”
“Pyro? Yeah, I’ve still just got the one and he’s managed to team up with a few guys and a Mass Polymorph.”
“It is strange. They don’t work directly together, but they still make a hell of a team.”
“The locket? Oh, I haven’t seen that one since before you left.”
“Well, I’ve got to go Mer, I just want to say that it’s good to see you back on your feet—fins—whatever—again. I wish you the best of luck. And…well, if it’s not too much trouble, I’ve got this, well…Island, and to be honest buddy, I can’t do a thing with it. Could you…y’know? For old times’ sake”
“Okay. I understand; it’s too soon. I’ll wait until next turn.”
“Hey, baby, how you been? Long time no see.”
“Yeah, that figures. That’s what I like about you; any old deck will do.”
“What? Don’t act like you don’t like it; you’re a mystery to every creature you’ve ever met, but I know you inside and out. Any deck. Any time. You don’t even care, you dirty whore.”
“Here’s plan: we get away from this booster pack, I take you to my utility box, then after that, I invite a few friends over and we play a little game where I’m the Archenemy and we see how many decks you can take on at once.”
“What? Don’t worry. Of course I’ll use sleeves; I’m not an idiot.”
Even the Kindest Truths
“I know what they say about you Shock. I know what everyone says. They say you’re not competitive. They say that…it’s strictl-“
“Alright. I won’t say it, but I will say this; I like you. It’s not because I met you first. It’s not out of spite for all the guys crunching numbers out there. I like you because you’re good. I like you because in an environment where it’s you or every other option besides...it, the choices are real and challenging.”
“That’s you. You’re challenging. It’s not a criticism; by now you should know criticism when you hear it. You aren’t just a must-have mythic with a black set symbol. I have to engage my brain when you’re around. You make me think man, and that’s why they hate you. You aren’t an archetype. You aren’t tournament competitive. You’re just a regular old card that makes its living working in the limited salt mines. You’re the anonymous Russian laborer working for the motherland with no parades or wealth, just family and a sense of pride that comes from a job well done. Your family comes from a creature in the graveyard opposite you and your sense of pride comes from putting him there. I know it’s—“
“Okay, look Shock, just put it down. It’s going to be okay.”
“I didn’t mean to say you were mediocre. No one wants to be mediocre. I said you were a workhorse. That’s a compli—“
“Yes? 911? It’s me again.”
“Yes? 911? It’s me again.”
“Yeah. Shock…just like last time. Yeah, Mental Misstep.”
“He, uh, he laughed a bit, and said something about ‘changing the format’ sarcastically. Then…he did it. Oh my god, he…he really did it.”
“No, I can’t stop the targeting effect, it already resolved.”
“…oh. I understand.”
“No, don’t send anyone. If it’s too late, it’s too late. I’ll just put him with the others.”
“Yeah, I got a whole fat pack, so I’ll probably find one or two more before the night’s over. He was a common, y’know?”
"It's Like Rock Star, if Mark Wahlberg Was a Virus."
“Whoo! Have another man! Tonight’s your night!”
“I know everyone’s been asking you, but how’s it feel?”
“I bet it does, but going from long-ago curiosity to standard? Core set standard? The ‘oddity’ slate doesn’t get wiped any cleaner than that!”
“What? Ignore that asshole! Mana Skimmer knows that the world’s going to run out of black ink before he sees a print again. Nuclear holocaust will happen before some asshole's dumb enough to cast him. A breeze will blow across an apocalyptic wasteland, through a someone's scattered, rotted Magic collection, turn four lands sideways as it flips a Mana Skimmer face-up. The next breeze will blow it into a graveyard. Trust me.”
“Ha! ‘Sub-limited loser.’ I like that. I’m keeping it. Did I ever tell you how much I love you—oh, hey, not so close there—man?”
“You’re working with who?”
“I don’t know…if Xathrid Demon really suits your particular idiom.”
“Well, I’m not saying it’s extravagant, I’m just saying that if you’re thinking of teaming up with anything else that costs six, that maybe you should…run them through a few upkeeps and see what happens.”
“Here, try these little things from the kitchen. You know what they say, starve a cold, feed…uh, Smallpox.”
“Are you sure? They’re delicious. You hired the catering staff yourself. You should have a word with them.”
“Oh, just one of them? Their choice? I guess that makes sense.”
“and they forgot how to make those tiny cracker sandwiches? Well, mistakes are bound to happen when you’re starting out.”
“Like who? Terramorphic Expanse? I think you're gonna go far kid, but Terramorphic Expanse...that big is pretty rare and pretty far down the road.”
“Well, look at Cancel. He’s not loved, but even he’s got his imitators. And Assassinate; She’s practically a role model and she’ll be back on top...sooner or later.”
“…but…you never know. Your whole future’s in front of you man. Maybe you will be like Terramorphic Expanse. What do I know?”
“Well, I like to stay humble, but I'll tell you this and I know I'm right about it; however far you can go, whatever your ceiling is, you'll never reach if it you keep hanging out with that Cuththroat il-Dal. She's no good."
"Hey, I know you're an uncommon, and I haven't forgotten you're still Smallpox from the Time Spiral block, but trust me; she's not as synergistic with you as you think."
"I'm just saying man, I don't want to see you end up like Recover."
Other player: "I attack with everything."
Kris: "Aw, man, I wish I had another turn!"
Timely Reinforcements: *crashes through the wall* "Oh, yeah! Did someone say 'another turn?'"
Kris: "Yay! Timely Reinforcements Men!"
Other player: "Proliferate."
Kris & Timely Reinforcements: "Aw." :(
Play Us Out, Poison Counters