Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Feelings about Stuff (Yes, I know feelings are icky, but we're doing it anyway)

Don't know if I've posted this video before. Almost entirely unrelated blog below.

I didn't watch my parents get murdered in front of me. I'm not the last surviving member of my race [Insert obligatory, derogatory comment about humanity here]. I don't have any tragedies worth getting into a tragedy contest over in my history. One or two bad spots don't really entitle a person to being the kind of dispassionate guy I am.

It's not just 'dispassion' though; I genuinely don't get a lot of people's emotions. I get that they're strong and they propel people to do unreasonable things. That's cool, actually; as much as I like being reasonable, I do realize it's boring and don't mind having some inspiration from others to be more spontaneous. But with that spontaneity comes irrational behavior that violates my arbitrary and highly-(over-)developed sense of order.

There have been recurring instances of me meeting these dynamic, enchanting people that make those around them experience the awesome highs of being alive and then I proceed drain the life right out of them with my apathy, exaggerated disdain, and indifference. 

Cassidy the Vampire, for no reason.

The thought that we might experience something new is a reason a lot of people get out of bed in the mornings. The willingness to go forth, to explore, and to see the world for what a fantastic place it is to live in is pivotal in making sure your life is not a barely-acceptable homeostasis punctuated by misfortune.

While I do take steps to improve my life, I do tend to focus on the counterpoint to that. Everything is critiquable because at the center of it all is the question of "why" that each of us ignores or fills in as best we can. None of it objectively means anything or is objectively important. We don't need anything and in a thousand years no one will care. Of the entire culture of humanity now, all that will be left is Batman, Coca-Cola, and Livy's History of Rome (maybe only two of the three in the case of an apocalypse).

But of course, I do get out of bed.

And I'd expect, with this broad perspective, I'd be, like, this zen mofo who accepts the inevitable suffering that comes with being alive (if that's Zen I'm thinking about and not Buddism.). I'm not, of course, I'm just like every other white American guy pushing thirty; I get pissed about the same stuff and act the same way, but I just have this pretentious world view that probably isn't even as rare or unique as I think it is (there are probably enough suicides to say that someone's believes in it a bit more zealously than I do, so I don't even get that[1].) 

Like a lot of those guys, at times I do need to get over myself and I need to not be a dick just because I'm angry. Sometimes, I need to talk about things before I get pissed over them. Sometimes I need to just walk away and then come back with a cooler head. I'm doing what I can here because while I'm not really all that damaged; I just don't want to be someone else's damage.

[1] Pity me!

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