Looking back at 2024

Jesus christ, this year. Let's process it in the format of awards.

Great Wiki Award

Sarna.net - A great site. I should probably kick them a little money. Just a great resource for Battletech lore and tech when I don't need to open a book and fumble around inside of it for what I need.

Fandom.com -  This includes the Star Trek, American Dad, Cheers!, Babylon 5, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia wikis under its loathsome banner.

Wikipedia.com - The classic. A universal good I think we call take for granted. I should probably also kick them a little money.

And the winner is...Sarna.net. Apologies to Wikipedia, but I'm not kidding when I say I use Sarna, on average, every day.

The Chief Clancy Wiggum, "The Law is Powerless to Help You, not to Punish You" Award

Alito and The Supremes - Between a judge getting disciplined for speaking out about Alito's flag, Alito's flag, that secret recording of Alito, 

New York State - They put national guard on the subway and mobilized every cop in NYC for a CEO dying. If there's a clearer example of this award's title, I'm hard-pressed to think of it. They'll pull out all of the stops for a rich guy getting killed, but there's a soldier with a gun if you jump a turnstile.

Suicides and MRSA - One Boeing whistleblower, John Barnett, and one OpenAI whistleblower, Suchir Balaji, died this year apparently of suicides. Another, Boeing whistleblower, Joshua Dean, an otherwise healthy 45 year-old died suddenly of a MRSA infection. This is the kind of time where I'd like some security theater. Right here.

And the winner is...the entire United States Judicial Branch. 

Remember Donald Trump getting his bond reduced because he's a very special boy, you remember Judge Aileen Cannon giving Trump's team every accommodation and then making up a few extra accommodations for them? Remember Marcellus Williams not even getting a stay from a judge when the prosecutor, the victim's family, and maybe even the jury who convicted him wanted to reconsider DNA evidence and changes in testimony?

It's mostly the Supreme Court though. You were the last branch of government the average citizen respected. Congrats on achieving the level of arrogance necessary to completely squander that; you only had to keep your mouth shut while sitting on the most opaque court in the country, you morons. You fools.

Movie Trailers for December 2024

Mufasa: The Lion King (December 20th)

On the origins of monarchy. Do we need a prequel for everything? All that's important is that there was a monarch and then he was killed and we root for his son. 

And it's not Hamlet. Hamlet was very much about the moral repercussions of killing. Hamlet was in Claudius' court. Claudius didn't trick Hamlet into running away for the entirety of his youth. The plot of Hamlet was not 'Hamlet kills bad king and bangs Ophelia,' it's 'Hamlet isn't certain that his uncle/stepfather killed his father and his indecision dooms everyone.'

They do have one thing in common though: You don't need a prequel to tell the story of King Hamlet.

Movie Trailers for November 2024

Heretic (November 8th)

I hate an evil atheist, but we're due, I guess. I'm also living for this Hugh Grant turn into horror. I mean, despite all the stereotypes from the 90's, he's not a bad actor. Can a full-length movie live up to this trailer? I'm willing to find out. 

Deadpool & Wolverine

This has been marinating for a bit, so let's go.

The message of Deadpool & Wolverine is hard to pin down because it's not as simple, or as trite, as the first two, "people love you for who you are," and "found family." It's also not as strong as message as the first two.

"You may not be your best self, but that doesn't mean you should be your worst self."

I think every movie has a sequence of actions. It only has a story when the audience follows those actions and why they happen. I think a good story has something about it that lets Joe Schmo connect with the story about two edgy, regenerating meatsacks trying to save a planet.

We see Wade getting rejected by the Avengers. He turns to selling cars, wearing a fake hairpiece--sorry hair system. It's a life of falsehood and pretense and he's obviously not good at it. He's punishing himself because he couldn't be the best Deadpool he could be. A superhero. An Avenger. He punishes himself by being worst version of himself. This hurts the people around him.

It hurts them in a broader, yet more severe way when he learns he's not important enough to be the anchor being of this Earth.

So what does he do? He finds the Wolverine that couldn't be the best version of himself--a committed X-Man--and gave up on that by being the worst version of himself--killing a heap of humans in retaliation for that. He resigns himself to being a drunk.

Then, hey, they meet the refugees of the Foxverse (or whatever). Not the best versions of the characters they represented (Blade aside). It is a stretch to say getting one last throw down on a Universal Studios set is their version of "okay is better than the worst," but letting them fade out would have left those characters at their worst. Y'know, written off and ignored.

Even Cassandra Nova finds her better self for about five minutes. Paradox's whole deal is that he wants to be the best version of himself and destroy (the worst) any universe that isn't good enough (perfect. making money for Disney).

So over the course of about 3 setpiece battles and a slew of jokes that are hits and misses, we see Wolverine say that even if he is never gonna be the best Wolverine, he doesn't have to be the worst one. Deadpool learns that he isn't equipped to save the world, but he can be more than be a car salesman, and that the people around him want him to be more than that.

These folks can love themselves despite not being their best. And in doing that, they can be more than their worst.

It's not deep. It's not worth an Oscar. It's got 2 visual gags about big dicks. I feel more narrative "oomph" was intended in that Deadpool battle. Anti-matter does not work that way. But the story had a relatable theme wrapped around it and the bundle of cameos, swears, and 4th wall breaks under which you could hear the faint sound of all of it getting a bit tired.

Charybdis

So what's been happening?

Responsinabilities

Early voting starts Friday. I'm looking forward to having any part of this election behind me, so I'm doing that. I've already scheduled November 5th through 8th off of work. With any luck, I won't even know who won until the next Monday.

Of course, that also means I'll be trying to get everything off of my plate by end of month.

Have I mentioned I'm moving to a new office space?

 

This is my life now.

Movie Trailers for October 2024

Joker: Folie a Deux (October 4th)

I didn't even watch the first one, but making the second on a musical is a masterstroke, and not just because I really liked that episode of Scrubs.

So what if Harley Quinn is not an olympic-class gymnast and corrupted psychologist? The whole premise of this...series, I guess, is doing what DC does best: larger than life characters in 100 different versions of themselves in stories that get the fundamentals right. 

Canon is for cucks. (Can I say that without being a choad?)

Azrael (September 27th)

Please be a Batman movie, please be a Batman movie, please--

Fuck!

Movie Trailers for September 2024

Alien: Romulus

Sure. Why not?

Lee (September 27th)

Is it based on a true--ANDY SAMBERG?!

Movie Trailers for August 2024

Harold and The Purple Crayon (August 2nd)

 

Maybe I don't get to shit on a movie that's laser-focused on being for kids.

But I really liked those books as a kid, so "I don't want to live on this planet anymore."

Trap (August 9th)

Hey look: it's another film by M. Night--DON'T WATCH IT.
 

Borderlands: The Movie (August 9th)

We are dead and this is hell.

It Ends With Us (August 9th)

 It looks kind of like an intense romantic drama. Not my type of movie--or my type of trailer--but it looks like a very good version of what it is.

War Game (August 2nd)

Is it a documentary of a war game? Is it a movie about a fictional war game to save budget on actually showing the war it's gaming? Is it the dramatization of a real war game?

Blink Twice (August 23rd)

Good to see Haley Joel Osment again. Fascinating premise. I'm completely uncompelled by Channing Tatum, but a good trailer is a good trailer.

Strange Darling (August 23rd)

The trailer says "go see it blind," which I would usually attribute to a bad movie begging people not to read reviews beforehand. But this is a thriller so it seems fair to ask that. As stock as it looks, it would need to have something original about it.

Something original beyond her poisoning the guy to make him a psycho.

Horizon: An American Saga: Part 2 (September 7th)

Okay, there's no trailer just for the second part, which makes me think the second part of this four part epic, will continue the original story which...best of luck Kevin Costner. 

Also, it was pushed back to September because, I presume, the first part bombed pretty hard.

Et cetera

The Umbrella Academy, season X 4 of X 4 (August 8th)

Let's do it! Let's not and say we did.

Updated 26SEP24

The Olympics

Movie Trailers for July 2024

Despicable Me 4 (July 3rd)

What if we just didn't? We've made enough Minions that Midjourney can make all of the Minions that Boomers need to go under their shit memes. 

Doesn't that end the cycle by attaching them to the most evil thing in the world: Boomer memes.

Movie Trailers for June 2024

Last month:

Sad to hear that Furiosa was critically successful but economically a failure. Weird. Chris Evans got a star on the Walk of Fame for this.

Also, I guess Empire of the Planet of the Apes was well-received. Good job.

This Month:

Bad Boys: Ride or Die (June 5th)

How stupid do you think your audience is? "Tell them they're watching a trailer five times after they clicked on the video called 'Official Trailer'" stupid.

I put money down in January it was going to be subtitled "Bad Boys take their metamucil and ask the nurse for extra pudding at bedtime," but "Ride or Die" is close. Martin Riggs is telling these guys they're too old for this shit.

(Christ, there was a Lethal Weapon TV show six years ago).

Kinds of Kindness (June 21st)

It's a weird indie flick and it's got Emma (Emily?) Stones so...I'm hype.

Janet Planet (June 21st)

You know I like A24, but big Wes Anderson energy tied to a serious drama with a shitload of pretension? I'm just not seeing it.

Agent Recon (June 21st)

Every so often it's humbling to be reminded that Chuck Norris' acting range includes doing The Terminator as played by Niel Breen.

Daddio (June 28th)

I don't know if I've ever seen a Sean Penn movie. Having a 90 minute movie take place in a cab ride is novel. It's charming. It's the definition of 'two men in a room,' except one of those men is Dakota Johnson, who's like acting teflon; every character slides right off of her.

The Exorcist (June 7th)

Wow. A scary movie about making scary movies. The fucking talent. /s

The only thing which forestalls my damning, contemptuous scoff is my respect Russel Crowe and David Hyde Pierce.

Thelma (June 21st)

Actually looks fun and cute.

A Sacrifice (June 28th)

Fascinating little film about cults from both sides, the guy investigating it and the woman getting pulled into it.

Arcadian (April 12th)

Decent little sci-fi triller. Between "Pig," "The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent," "The Colors Out of Space," "Dream Scenario," "Renfield," and this, I feel like I would really groove with Nic Cage's agent.

It says April 12th, so I'm not sure why this is here. Maybe the release date changed?

Late Bloomers (June 7th)

I'm not a fan of anyone from the Steven Moffat run of Doctor Who. 

Dang, you thought there was going to be a "however" there to say something nice about this by the numbers drama film? LOL.

Supacell (June ???)

Looks alright. Not great though. Like a better remix of "Heroes."

The Watchers (June 7th)

M. Night Shamalyan is a no-sell for me. Obviously, the guy can put together an intriguing trailer and the first third or two-thirds of a story, but it's always that last third that gets us, isn't it, M. Night?

Inside Out 2 (June 14th)

Weird to see a puberty(?) story for kids. It looks about as good as the first one. Which I also didn't see all of.

The only thing that makes me less enthusiastic is the horde of lunatics crying about "the canon."

Inside Out 2: My opinion is 'it is.'

A Quiet Place: Day One (June 27th)

A prequel to the sequel to the whatever man. This series already did Day One in the second installment.

That's it. That's all you need to know.

The Crow (2024) (June 7th)

My heart, mind, sense of pattern recognition, mild affection for the original film, and the knowledge that you can't turn a story steeped in coy mysticism into the basis for a gritty superhero origin story all say "no," but those abs say "yes," and there's eight of them so...yeah.

Horizon: An American Saga: Chapter 1 (June 28th)

This is Kevin Costner doing a history of the US, pre and post civil war. Aight. I mean, the story of the West is the story of Americans settling in Native American territory and then calling in the cavalry when they kicked us out, but there's quite a few shots humanizing Native Americans, so let's see how it turns out.

Basically worth watching if you want to be the first one to know if Costner is finally milkshake ducking this (Writing this joke in March so wish me luck on him waiting until June). 

The Present (June 14th)

Looks like a fun little family film.

Reverse the Curse (June 14th)

David Duchovny is in some weird shit. And thank the gods for that.

The Acolyte (4th of June)

Who would have figured that the long and storied history of Star Wars could give us a story outside of the endless cycle of Skywalkers? Looks aight. 

I just realized Manny Jacinto is in it, so, like, how much are Disney+ subscriptions?

Just a Great Movie

 

Movie Trailers for May 2024

 Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes     

Current Ape Level: 100%

 

Evil Does Not Exist - May 3rd

I focus on US films because that's the movies I watch. I watched the trailer for Evil Does Not Exist knowing it probably wouldn't make the cut on that basis. 

But here it is.

 

Darkness of Man (May 21st)

It's an action movie, but get this: the protagonist is over the hill. 

And you won't believe it, but: he's still got it.

Fall Guy (May 3rd)

Stunt double movie. Seems like a fun, stupid romantic comedy with maybe a bit too much pretentious action. They could maybe reveal a bit less of the plot. Also, I feel I'd want the action to be played down a bit because it's about being a stunt double and what they do is hard and dangerous.

 

Pool Man (May 10th)

Funny lil' movie. If you like Chris Pine sorta being a good fit for any movie he's in, this looks like another one.

The Dead Don't Hurt (May 31st)

At this point, Viggo Mortensen just wanders around Hollywood and a film of him being a cowboy shows up in theaters 9 months later.

I wrote that joke at the beginning of the trailer, but now I can only describe it as: Deeply Intriguing.

If (May 17th)

This is the very mid-looking Ryan Reynolds thing about imaginary friends that feels like a retread of Foster's Home for Imaginary friends and feels like it's the second imaginary friends movie to come out this year.

 

The Strangers : Chapter 1

Yeah, the nuanced world of three random psychos with perfect timing and coordination and kill out-of-towners needed fleshing out. 

You might say that two minutes of a woman NOT-answering a door isn't a trailer. I would say that 'Townies murder tourists' is not a franchise.

 

Atlas (May 24th)

I'll be honest with you, I thought Jennifer Lopez was a bit too old to play tough bitch roles and I never thought I'd see her doing science fiction, but I'm interested. Let's do this.

 

Furiosia (May 24th)

I didn't even see the last Mad Max and I got goosebumps from this, so 'well done.' The look is almost animated. I didn't even recognize Chris Hemsworth.

Garfield (May 24th)

Which would be worse? A presidential biopic or a serious reboot of the franchise films about a big orange cat?

Trick question. The reboot with Chris Pratt is the worst.

 

March Takes 

The Three Body Problem: Looks like people like it. SPOILERS:

Everything Else

Man in Full - May 2nd

Technically a series, but Jeff Daniels generally does good shit or the Dumb and Dumber movies, and I don't see Jim Carrey here.

"What are you gonna do, shoot me?" -Man shot

 

Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang is great.

Spatial Awareness in The Shining

 

1,000-Shot Nerf Blaster

 

I'm queuing these on July 15, 2023.

What is your world like, future reader?

Garnier Laboritoire

 

Movie Trailers for April 2024

As I do, I talk about a spread of ten movies coming out next month and a few other things. I used to talk about expected earnings, but I was supposed to publish this two days ago so cut me some slack.

Civil War - April 12th

I like that it's not taking sides by pitting a president on a non-constitutional third term against a Texas/California alliance. It's clearly about the horrors of war and being a war correspondent in your own home. 

And I know it's not about that, but I hate they spoil in the trailer that the President gets pulled out of the Oval Office.

 

Superstore Cutaways

It's My First Day

This is one of my earliest Simpsons memories and it's a good one.

Archer

 I never knew the end of his rampage was from something. I should have known though.

Yelling at the Day Moon

After going through last summer where the sun stayed up after 8:00 and yelling at the 'Night Sun,' I relate to this on many levels.

Movie Trailers for March 2024 (Reprise)

Dune: Part Two (March 1st)

Of three? More like "Muad'Deez nuts"!

The Bizarro

 

Tenacious D

 

ERB: Thanos v Oppenheimer

 

"We're History" by Horrible Histories

 

"The Man" by The Killers

 

"Welcome to My Parents' House" by Ninja Sex Party

 

Movie Trailers for February 2024

So the deal is that I was smart enough to queue this, but too dumb to finish it.

No Way Up

A clever, if probably not very good, movie where a plane crashes into the ocean, but precariously on an ocean shelf and the people on time are working against several clocks to get out. There is also a shark and Colm Meaney. 

It looks kinda bad, but hey, Colm Meaney.

Argylle

I hope it enjoys winning February, because it's gonna.

Race for Glory: Audi vs. Lancia

 I can only assume this is a sequel/prequel to Ford vs. Ferrari.

Lisa Frankenstein

Cute. Feels like a fun 80's movie.

 

Adam the First

It looks like a pretty decent drama. Like, no big.

Bob Marley: One Love 

The lead is hot enough, but...um, something.

Madame Web

When I saw this on the list, my first thought was, "That wasn't a joke?," but after seeing the trailer I'm not sure it isn't.

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba - To the Hashira Training

-_-

 

Drive Away Dolls

This looks like a fun little movie.

Ordinary Angels

Goddy inspo-porn. Where being dumb works out. It refers to a to a real event and real good in people, but also the whole story is in the movie so why bother?

 

Conann

Christ. It looks like they're re-releasing Tenet and Turning Red instead of actual new movies, if you're curious about the general state of Hollywood these days.

I'll say, it's the Frenchiest-art of Frenchy-art films. I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's...Conann.

 

Other Stuff

The series "Mr and Mrs Smith" with Donald Glover is coming out in February on Amazon Prime. It looks...intriguing.

MATN: 20 Minutes Till Dawn

 

Happy 5 Year Anniversary to This Bit

 

Damn

 

Lord Mandalore: Stronghold