Review: The Year's Best Movie to Hate

So back on the 12th, I saw Iron—well Genius Playboy Billionaire Philanthropist 3: This All Could've Been Avoided with Therapy. I thought it was going to be really bad. I thought it was going to be the first part of the Marvel movie franchise ship to hit the ground. I expected a catastrophic crash as the massive inertia thrust seven more movies inevitably out, only to be driven immediately into the earth. I imagined a sky filled with tons of cultural dust and debris, a column rising like so many false hopes. After all, everything good is only good until it sucks.

What I saw was worse than having my pessimistic predictions met. Genius Playboy Billionaire Philanthropist 3 was not a fiscal failure. That's not a surprise though; we live in a world where everyone just accepts that Michael Bay lives in a mansion. There was a lot of positive critical talk about it, which was surprising, but not bad. I started worrying whenever trusted sources and friends began calling it "good" and "the best one yet."

This was compounded when I actually went to see Genius Playboy Billionaire Philanthropist 3. It is a move that I will hate with a burning passion forever. It's a BINGO card of awful movie decisions. It's a movie that has everything in common with The Phantom Menace, Transformers, Superman III, an awful crossover comic, a mediocre comic book, and a bunch of other shitty things. Most infuriatingly, it never, ever started sucking like I expected it to.