As I do, I talk about a spread of ten movies coming out next month and a few other things. I used to talk about expected earnings, but I was supposed to publish this two days ago so cut me some slack.
Civil War - April 12th
I like that it's not taking sides by pitting a president on a non-constitutional third term against a Texas/California alliance. It's clearly about the horrors of war and being a war correspondent in your own home.
And I know it's not about that, but I hate they spoil in the trailer that the President gets pulled out of the Oval Office.
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead - April 12th
Actually looks like a cute remake of a film I'm very nostalgic for. Don't know why the old lady has to be racist, but ok, it's your movie.
The Sports Movie Sweat-a-Crisis (The Long Game - April 12th / Hard Miles April 19th / Challengers April 26th)
There has to be a mode in Netflix that lets you scramble the scenes from multiple movies just so I could prove that despite the varying places on the earnest-story-about-heart-to-teens-being-sexy scale of sports movies, that these are, beat-for-beat, interchangeable films.
Roll the dice and consult the table: An underdog team of (social
underdogs) learn to play (sport) from a reluctant has-been teacher
played by (prominent actor) so they can compete in the (big game) and
prove the (overdogs) wrong.
The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare - April 19th
This one is only here because it looks like one of the biggest-budget movies of the month with one of the bigger casts. I've never been impressed with Henry Cavill even though he seems like a nice guy. It's good to see Babs Olusanmokun outside of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds.
Disappointing that the "true story" it's based on is "Britain had a department to sabotage Axis countries during WWII," but then the whole affair looks disappointing. Maybe if it wasn't trying so hard.
Breathe - 26 April
Seems good, actually. I think that if there's no oxygen then plants would be doing okay, but maybe the sepia filter is killing everything. Quvenzhané Wallis and Milla Jovovich are a combination that gets me to sit up and take notice.
Damaged - April 12th
Doesn't seem like much. Probably disappointing. It's hard to sell a good treachery story when you just met all of the characters.
Also, it seems like a story written in the UK by people in the UK and when they went to make a movie in America for Americans, they had to throw in a token American character. On the other hand, Samuel L. Jackson is a heck of a pick for that.
It really was my last pick here. It barely edges out the The Omen
prequel no one asked for (The First Omen) and the
straight-across-the-place cop siege story, Jericho Ridge.
Boy Kills World - April 26th
A fun, straighforward action flick. Unpretentious, unlike some Ministries I could name.
And it's hard to hate anything with H. Jon Benjamin's voice.
The Monkey Man - April 5th
I have a lot of faith in Jordan Peele and Dev Patel, but this looks like a pretty straightforward action film with the poor versus rich themes that are pretty popular right now.
Would be a great double feature with Boy Kills World, but maybe I should just commission some slashfic art instead.
Cash Out - April 26th
John Travolta: Check
Give away every story beat in the trailer: Check
Plans that are impossible to plan: Check
Ensemble movie/genre that's about one character: Check
Cliched 'One Last Job': Check
Askew text of the name slapped onto a generic background one word at a time: Oh you better believe that's a check.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are go for a bomb.
Villains - April 19th
It's a cross between Mystery Men, The Specials, and Megamind. But probably the worst parts that each of those brings to the table. But hey, you can look into it and see its heart and that heart is Colin Mochrie. So c'mon!
February Returns
I haven't made any rating/earnings predictions, but here's the results for February's movies as a last hurrah before they're all forgotten forever.
No Way Up - $3 million and it was lucky to get that. Keep cutting Colm checks, chumps.
Argylle - $96 million. They said this thing was flop, but that seems pretty good. It can't be that expensive to put Henry Cavill and Sam Rockwell into a movie.
Oh wait. Cat budget.
Race for Glory: Audi vs. Lancia - No financial numbers, but it's 54/36 review/audience scores on Rotten Tomatoes, so it sounds like they should have had one of the guys from the first movie in there. Ferrari, maybe?
Lisa Frankenstein - $10 million. Not terrible.
Adam the First - Uh, literally lists $0. Race for the Glory wasn't even on the earnings list. That like when a politician doesn't even get their own wife's vote.
It's 100/100 on Rotten Tomatoes, but it's hard to stand by those numbers when apparently less than 54 people watched this thing.
Bob Marley: One Love - $174 million. That's...really good. I can see why Bob Marley would be a popular international star with a compelling story.
Huh. It's actually $96/$78 domestic/international. Maybe people in the US just like Bob Marley?
Rotten Tomatoes is 43/92.
Madame Web - More like "Meme Whammy," am I right? Still, $98 million isn't bad. That's a lot of dollars per Razzie, even assuming it sweeps (it's going to sweep).
Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba - To the Hashira Training - Damn, I forgot how shallow the barrel was for new movies in January. I think this one still has bits of the bottom mixed in with it.
No, $40,000,000 is not enough to shut my condescending mouth.
Drive Away Dolls - Okay. One movie from February 2024 might not be erased from human memory. If any of them can break the cycle, it's this cute little film. $6.3 million.
You know I'm pulling for a movie when I slip in the hundred-thousand figure instead of rounding down.
63/36. Actually, nevermind. This little film is as doomed as the rest of them.
Ordinary Angels - $20 million. That's a lot of money, but it's still low enough that I'm inspired by the good in humanity.
Goddamn, it's actually certified fresh. Apparently Hilary Swank can act??? One reviewer's quote: "Swank grasps this by the scruff and just keeps shaking until it starts to look like a watchable film."
Conann, aka She is Conann - No grosses, but 84/50 score says it might be something gross, high-falutin', and gay, if you're into all that.
Everything Else
Baby Reindeer - April 11th
https://youtu.be/eafm1gB6SCM?si=ACP9Gi4Pq7niNfZZ
It's a series, so it doesn't go up top, but...looks like an awkward but tense movie (series?).
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire - I guess this was released on March 27th, so I missed it?
They made an ape. bald.
They made an ape.
bald.
Bald. Ape.
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