Monday, June 27, 2016

Captain America: Civil War, aka Avengers 2.5, aka Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist IV

I take notes when I watch movies and after the movies, I post those notes on the internet. These are my notes for Captain America: Civil War. Notes made after the movie are made in <<>>'s.

Lethal Weapon again. It’s a weird movie, but we love it.
Beyonce dance and sing-along. Sounds like an idea.
Independence Day II trailer...still ‘mech.
Oh gods, Dr. Strange. Dang, I just imagine that as he’s walking up the steps a Tardis appears, obscuring him and The Doctor is all, "I’m not that strange," and it’s a Doctor Who movie.
Rogue One again. This one is still a bit too on the nose. People are angry about the installation of the space laser, that but’s literally how we build carriers. Actually get off the Internet, nerds.

Captain America: Civil War
1991- Ok.
So the MacGuffin this time is five blue things...from ‘91. <<Judging from the rate at which cutting-edge scientists fail to document their work in the MCU, comments in code must consist solely of tumbleweeds.>>

Lagos. Very good. That is the name of a place in Africa. Good job.
6-7 guys per truck for two trucks. <<My brain wasn't doing anything else for some of these scenes so I decided to count mooks.>>
Fast freedom special?
So now this mook number is way off. Trucks from where? I guess just extra trucks because.

Damn, Black Widow. Fuck. <<The grenade/APC bit>>

So these guys are or are not mercenaries?
Black Widow sounds so angry.
Jesus shit.

Everyone is being really polite.
Who’s putty face?
“Some dead motherfucker” will do as introductions I guess
Convenient that building was empty.
She fucked up.

RDJ & family. What is happening?
Are we doing this now?
Are WE doing this now?

Chekov’s Barf? <<No. :( >>

Jim Rash is not better than the lack of Pepper Potts, but still good.

I hope she’s Amanda Waller but she’s not.

Don’t mention Brooklyn, Cap. It’s a real place now. I’ve been there.
Sokovia Accords. Seems reasonable.

Zemo--Baron Zemo--Fascinating. Oh, right. A villain.
Seems a little superfluous.

For such an expensive movie this simple execution/torture is really simple.

They are 2 for 2 for using black bodies to personify the innocent dead.

Steve’s rationale is kinda weak here.
"Somewhere we should & don’t and vice versa."
Okay, that kinda works.
Tony and Widow go back furthest of all these folks.

<<In my defense, I’ve never cared about Sharon Carter.>>

The Cap. Speech. FUCK. <<I hate this speech>>
You give up nothing by signing, Cap. Just bail at the first sign of trouble.

Wow. Vienna is nice.
Hey T’Challa.
<<T'Challa & Dad'Challa hug>>Noooo, don’t kill Dad'Challa!
Damn. Can ONE fucking person NOT have a personal stake in this?!

NOPE, fuck it Steve this is not--
Oh, it’s Bucky--

Steve, just walk away.
Nice, she hears the same background sounds. <<Seems like it's a trope, but I guess it's not one I'm tired of.>>

Nat’s “shit” is the only swear this movie needs.

You could shave Bucky. You could shave man.
The sleeping bag is plaid. That’s his favorite color.
Does he know you?
You're wearing a mask.
This is an entire fight scene made more cool by heroes not wanting to kill people. Just sayin’.

Bucky you only have a bionic arm. You cannot run this fast.
Cap in full kit in an SUV is hilarious.
Steve! Don’t! Kill! Black Panther!
Does T’Challa have Diplomatic Immunity?

Damn, this Vision/Wanda thing is effectively creepy.

Chekov’s Party Barge.

“Warrior to warrior,” not “father to son.”

Damn it, T’Challa! Work with us here!
Is Freeman Gyrich? Nope. Ross.

Fuuuck. This is what Kirk did to save Spock. This is Star-Spangled Trek III: The Search for Bucky

“He’s alive.” Dang, yo.

Oh, wow? Are we covering the IM3 ending now?

Yes, do Cap. Yes DO Cap.

Damn, this whole thing.
Are those his anti-reading glasses?
T’Challa can’t even finish his game of Fruit Ninja, man
Can anything go right with this?

How’s Cap know he’s even going to the roof?
Cap is not strong enough to BE gravity.

You two dudes just can’t help but get wet together every time you meet can you?

The mention of his mom’s name is a beautiful coincidence. <<Does Marvel make these movies just to dick-shoot DC movies? I'm beginning to think they do.>>

Siberia in 1991. Other winter soldiers? Autumn soldier? Summer soldier?
Are those black Russians?
See? This isn’t difficult Marvel. Just put a non-white guy in there.

Black Widow: “Where’s yours?”
Me: “It’s in Queens”
Transition shot: QUEENS

<<This entire scene is just me screaming at Tony for getting a kid involved in this mess.>>
God-damnit, Tony.
A goddamn algebra test.
Fuck you, Tony Stark.
Fuck you, Tony Stark.

Vision v. Hawkeye: This isn’t the same league; this isn’t even the same sport. This is Olympic Kali Ma versus Stupid Pet Tricks.
Fuck, Wanda. That's at the very least collegiate-level Kali Ma.

Carter/Rogers fuuuuuck, I’m falling asleep now. So sleepy.

Damn, Cap, turn it in. Hang it u--the FUCK Tony!?

Why break out the heavy ordinance for Wanda and Hawkeye?

Why is Spider-Man fighting a trained soldier and a world’s best assassin? Anyone? Why that’s happening? Stark? Widow? Vision, you’re some kind of Marvel Superman. You got anything for this?

Dudes. Explosive dump-truck is worth a time out.

These odds are not remotely even.

Queens/Brooklyn :)

I like that Ant-Man is slower when big, but it does raise a lot of questions. <<But then everything about Ant-Man raises questions>>

Oh. Holy shit, Black Widow.

Fuck you, Tony. He’s a kid. He’s a kid.
Jesus, Tony!

So, like, when Tony repulsors Falcon it’s shot funny, but no one is laughing. <<That’s either a poor choice by the director or some next-level movie-making.>>

How is Black Widow not under arrest? <<"She's Black Widow" is an acceptable answer to this.>>

Wait, so are they still underground?

Stark, making some good points. <<I forgot what this was about, but maybe I was watching Game of Thrones for a few seconds. No. No. I’m even less likely to say that during Game of Thrones.>>

So, the US Secretary of Defense just hangs out on The Raft all day? <<When he's not singlehandedly running the UN council on superhumans.>>

Tony: Consider better tracking systems on the quin-jets maybe?
Oh, well fuck you too Tony Stark. This movie is hurting our relationship, bro.

This Sharon Carter bullshit.
Like she’s not even in The Shoulder Grab Scene, but it’s such bullshit.

How do they even resolve this? There’s no massive threat they can defuse to clear their names and justify their actions.

So they guy still has the big book of phrases.

Tony, shoot all the autumn, summer, spring, and vernal equinox soldiers with missiles and call it a day. There’s too much tension in this scene.

Ohfuckhe was listening to the voicemails of his dead wife that’s real obvious nowfuck.

This is the opposite of the Martha Scene in BVS.

Well we are fuck-a-doodle-doing this now I guess.

Okay, everything’s paying off, but Iron Man has a gun that shoots handcuffs?!?!!


The Avengers would’ve stayed behind.
They would’ve cleaned up.
It’s bullshit they didn’t.

Did Iron Man just download kung-fu?
That’s BULLSHIT! 0.75 Sharon Carter Kisses of Bullshit.
I’d sooner believe in a tiny LeVar Burton in his armor using a deflector dish than that fucking bullshit.

Thank god he’s Captain America.
NOT sympathetic Tony.
Sorry Iron Man fans, your bro got thrown under a bus hard here.
<<More like the Iron Speed Bump at this point, right folks?>>

Even though it’s Zemo, these conditions are still inhumane.

Cool. I was worried for a sec that they’d leave them all in prison.

Kinda wish the shield in Iron Man’s chest was practical.

The Avengers will return in Avengers III: Pardons for Everyone!


SkilTao said...

I was on the fence about seeing this movie, but I did like Iron Man 3... should I take all the "ARE WE DOING THIS NOW"s as signs to get off the fence?

Independence Day II - ...did your spellcheck just auto-correct "meh" to " 'mech"?
Dr Strange - Huh. The mentor, that actress played basically the same (bald) character on Farscape.
Naval Construction - I got to walk around an old sub and an LST recently. Weirdly, the sub felt bigger on the inside than the outside, and the LST was the other way 'round; must've knocked my head a dozen times inside the LST, but not-a-once in the sub. Also: kind of terrifying to see plenty of "don't open hatches, knock toggles or operate controls: you might flood the sub" placards about while hearing (potentially unsupervised) children a few compartments away.

VanVelding said...

The "ARE WE DOING THIS NOW"s are long-running Marvel Cinematic Universe plot points and dangling details finally getting addressed and/or tied up. There are just so many of them and they're just thrown in at the exact moment where they take the "Everything Might Be Okay" train and derail it right into a (metaphorical) school full of innocent children.

Either the electronic or biological autocorrect did that with the 'mech, yeah. ID42 does not look as cool as a 'Mech.

I'm not even sure why those switches would still work if the sub's a museum piece and that would be a horrific way to die,, no "but." Glad you got out alive.

SkilTao said...

Thanks. I'm sure it was all locked down well enough, but still. Disconcerting.

Hmm... this sounds like my favorite kind of MCU movie. I guess I will get off the fence.