Friday, January 10, 2014

Hobbit 2: Desolation of Smaug

I saw Hobbit 2 a few weeks back and as I often do, I took notes during it. You might remember that I wasn't a big fan of Hobbit 1. It wasn't awful, it was crammed with forgettable leads who were impossible to root for and categorized as either "white dudes" or "mutants." I'll make a more detailed post about how Hobbit 2 beat some of those things and fell prey to others, but for now, here's the notes.

So, Walk with Dinosaurs, your tagline is "...action this big, screen this small." Are you a real movie or another theater commercial?

Anchorman 2 with a movie-specific trailer/commercial...for Lord of the Rings? Because you're talking about Lord of the Rings, not The Hobbit.

That's Woody Harrelson, right? What has Nolan been up to? He needs watching after Man of Steel. Oh. It's called XXXXXXXXXXXX. Well, that's so vague and distant I might as well not even be aware of it.

Captain America 2: The new suit is still very flattering. Does that helicarrier have repulsor tech?

Keanu Reeves is...a white slave and a great white savior? Another movie to feed the inexplicable persecution/superiority complex of white America.

47 Ronin. Not compelling. Too ambitious It has Keanu instead of an Asian lead, so it's traded me for the type of people who watch Keanu Reeves.

<I've since heard from reliable sources that 47 Ronin is not most of these things. It is, according to those sources, not awful after all.>

Amazing Spider-Man 2. Electricity does not work that way.

Walter Mitty: It's trying so hard and for a feature film based on a shorty story I read in junior high, it looks okay.

And everyone, let's have a round of applause for Ben Stiller finally doing his serious comedian thing.

Jupiter Ascending. Boring, boring, boring, boring, "industry"?, boring boring

Edge of Tomorrow. Hey, Tom Cruise is still alive. Y'know, he does some ballsy-ass sci-fi. Vanilla Sky, Minority Report, this high-concept stuff. Speaking as someone who's done zero research on this, I think he might actually us his A-list cachet to make big screen, crazy-ass sci-fi movies happen. Perhaps even more amazingly, he emerges from them with his career unscathed.

Hobbit 2
When we last left off, despite all of the unfounded optimistic hopes of the dwarves, the dragon wasn't dead. And now... (Spoilers)

Prancing Pony. Nice.

How did the orcs (whatever) track them this far? They were on eagles. Eagles!

Door latches. Truly, Thorin is the marginally competent one.

"No overly fond of dwarves," Gandalf? Is anyone in Middle Earth overly fond of dwarves? Regular fond even?

Orc Dude, the dire bear is a surmountable problem. You have lots of orcs and those weird dog/armadillo things. You can take 'em.

Blog is also not overly fond of dwarves.

So, Blog is, like, half-Klingon? Is that what's happening here?

What did we learn about the dwarves, Bilbo, Gandalf, or Middle Earth from our stay at Blog's house?
If you guessed "Fuck all," you're today's lucky winner!

"Don't enter Ereborn without me."
"Sure, Gandalf. We'll try to reign in all this progress we'll be making without you."

Gandalf says not to do the thing.
Start countdown until the dwarves do the thing.

Pulling a spider apart. Well, you've finally justified having 9 of those dwarves.

Cool. Female elf saves Kili.
Kili is still prettier.

So, Legolas is a wood elf then? Huh.
The distinction is useless because it's irrelevant.

"No less ugly than an average dwarf," Legolas?
Kili is waaay less ugly than an average dwarf.
Is that CGI in your eyes affecting your vision?

Bodyslams are apparently dwarven lockpicks.
So, relatively speaking, Bilbo is a burglar.

P.S. I want to build this elven place in Minecraft

I know it's impossible, but I really do want to see Jeffrey Combs as The Dick Prince of The Elven Wood.

"I know you're there..."

" haired love interest. Do you happen to know what smells like hobbit poop?"

Whirling barrel of doom moment is pretty fun.
Dwarves and upgrade impassible terrain to hindering terrain, apparently.
Still not sure about whether this is an actual evil mission, or a rogue op by Orc Captain Hook. I know every antagonist has the EXACT SAME motivation (evil), which is why it's so baffling I can't discern any of their motivations.

Where did that second (fourteenth) barrel come from?

Wormtongue Jr. To Bard, "You stand accused of protagonism and six counts of possessing heroic traits. You're being charged with grand handsomeness!"

Stephen Fry! Nice.

Who the fuck is Bard that we care?

Finally. A number (30) on those orcs.

Dude. Legolas. She will not go back. Kili is hella cute.
Totes McGotes

This dwarven pyramid justifies seven dwarves.
Still not 12 though.

Nooo. Kili sad.

Bard is...also Orlando Bloom?

Looking at the ruined Dwarven city.
I do not want to build this in Minecraft.

Looks dark Gandalf. Start mining coal for torches...

WTF, you quitting forever, dwarves?
It comes again next year AND YOU LIVE 200 YEARS!?

The 7th Kingdom?
"My first kingdom I built in a mountain, and a dragon ate it."
"My second kingdom I also built in a mountain. A dragon ate that one too."
"My third kingdom. That one was prosperous."
"...until a dragon ate it."

Now that you're in Erebor, you dwarves will have to punch wood to make pick axes...

"Don't wake the dragon"
Start countdown until Bilbo wakes the dragon.

The forces of good should probably draft a policy concerning the destruction of creepy, old castles.

Did Gandalf just ninja vanish?

Okay. Sauron reveal. Way to make the dragon seem less threatening.

Someone has got to shop Scrooge McDuck into these treasure piles. Get on it, internet.


Like, did Tolkein have a type (Bloom/Bard) or are all of his handsome male protagonists identical?

Bard is...way ahead of things. In a bad way.
<I usually save analysis like this for the full review, but, like, suddenly Bard's trying to stop a dragon before there's a dragon and The Master is trying to stop him...why? Why now? They're shoehorning the low point into the second act. Or Tolkein was. Someone is fucking this up.>

Peter Jackson fucking loves surfing, eh?

So, Smaug is up on current events, r.e. Sauron?

Lady elf may have used up all of her regenerations healing Kili.
Worth it.

Good. Make the crazy work for you Thorin.
And jesus, get The Arkenstone guys.

Fire. Now that's thinking with your ass, Smaug.

Jesus. Is Legolas like a DoT Effect applied to orc squads?

"My pretty elven face."
"His pretty elven face."

Smaug makin' motherfuckin' crazy saves vs flash bombs.
Jesus, get The Arkenstone guys.

Some of this CGI is just wow super-rough.

Smaug. Do no fuck the giant golden dwarf. It looks like you want to hump him right now.

Also, physics does not work that way, but then it's a molten gold dwarf statue in a gold stash stolen by a dragon with a failed appreciation of commerce.
And jesus, get The Arkenstone guys.

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