Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Massive Mass Effect Week: Talk Like a Renegade

The Citadel
Shiara: “Appeal to his honor as a soldier. Remind him he used to be a general.”
Horum Shepard: “Hey, don’t tell me how to talk soldier to soldier, and I won’t tell you how to pleasure men for money.
                                                     …not that I couldn’t give you a few pointers.”
Ashley Williams: “Nice lake. Think anyone ever drowned in it?”
Horum Shepard: “….what’s wrong with you!?”
Horum Shepard: "Wait. I can't move! This elevator's a trap! Everyone, draw your weapons!"
Tali: "Have I ever told you about my life as a space pariah?"
Horum Shepard: "Worse! It's character development! Everyone, run away!"
Ambassador Udina: “…jeopardizes your entry into The Spectres…”
Horum Shepard: “Don’t care.”
Horum Shepard: “Straighten up general.”
General Oraka: “She deserves it. I’ll go to her…after a cold shower or two.”
Horum Shepard: “Sounds good. Also…eeeeuuggghh!”
Acolyte: “My brother’s part of The Alliance back home!”
Horum Shepard: “And you’re a prostitute on The Citadel. How's Christmas? Awkward?”

Garrus (about Liara): “Can we trust her?”
Horum Shepard: “Well, I don’t know Garrus; let’s do a trust count: I’ve got a hand trust and a shot trust. You’ve got an assault trust with polonium rounds. I’ve think that if she gives us any problems, we can trust the hell out of her.”
Horum Shepard: “Awesome! Prothean platform that conveniently rises to the surface of the planet!"
Garrus: "Have I ever told you what it's like to be a young Taurian during the onset of our ancient and intimate sexual urges?"
Ashley Williams: "I'd sure love to hear about that Garrus."
Horum Shepard: "I'm just gonna walk to the other side of the ancient Prothean lift platform...wait…why can’t I move? Oh. My. God. It’s an elevator!

Side Missions
Human Guy: “Could you fix an AI problem on our training ground? You’re a Spectre now, so you kinda have to help us out with jobs only you can do.”
Horum Shepard: “Sure, of course, no problem; consider that AI one of the processing formatted. Where is it?”
Human Guy: “The Moon.”
Horum Shepard: “The Moon!? The Moon? You don’t have anyone in the entire Sol system that’s capable of fighting some rogue drones and blasting a computer core? You can’t simply shut it down and build a new one, hit it with an artillery strike, or use an entire platoon of guys? You need me to pilot my entire starship literally across the galaxy so I can shoot at it with my bro Garrus and Ashley fucking Williams? Really?”
Human Guy: “Come to The Moon and shoot things to get XP, Shepard.”
Horum Shepard: “Joker! Set course...for The Moon!”
Horum Shepard: "Man, some of these renegade choices suck and make no sense."
Garrus: "Like punching that reporter?"
Horum Shepard: "No, that was cool."
Ashley Williams: "Like pulling a gun on your biggest fan?"
Horum Shepard: "No. Go pressure-check all the airlocks, Ash. I'll tell you when you can stop."
Garrus: "So what are the decisions you don't like?"
Horum Shepard: "The ones that are more 'abusive, drunken grandpa' than 'renegade.'"
Garrus: "If your only problem with them is the title, then pretend that they're called something else instead of 'renegade.'"
Horum Shepard: "I could pretend they were 'drunk' dialog options and 'drunk' choices."
Garrus: "I don't know if playing the savior of the galaxy as a boozehound is a good idea."
Horum Shepard: *Takes a shot*
Garrus: "Um, Commander-"
Horum Shepard: "Drinking helps me pretend!"
Nibulas: “…membership into The Spectres…”
Horum Shepard: “Don’t care.”
Ashley Williams: “What if Aneolis’ secretary betrays you?”
Horum Shepard: “Trust count!”
Ashley Williams: "Have they seen us?"
Garrus: "Check your sensors."
Horum Shepard: "No and no. Sampling the local air for lead is better than sensors."
Ashley Williams: "Doesn't that mean someone might get shot first?"
Horum Shepard: "Ash, take point."
Matriarch Benezia: "I only joined Saren to-"
Horum Shepard: "Holy, shit! It's Deanna Troi!"
Matriarch Benezia: "The key to beating Saren is his flagship, the Sovereign. It-"
Horum Shepard: "What's it like working with Patrick Stewart?"
Matriarch Benezia: "...okay, I put some relay coordinates on this--"
Horum Shepard: "Can you say something Counselor Troi would say, like 'I sense great anger'?"
Matriarch Benezia: "Die."
Horum Shepard: "The Rachni don't seem all that bad. Besides, there's just a few of them now; they're no threat to the galaxy."
Dialogue Wheel: It's worth renegade points if you re-genocide them.
Horum Shepard: "They're too dangerous to live, and also ugly."
Ashley Williams: “….what’s wrong with you!?”

Horum Shepard: “Hey, Garrus, this new upgrade lets my shotgun shoot explosives!”
*Shoots gun. Individual pellets shoot out and then explode, turning a circle of enemies and terrain into flaming debris.*
Garrus: “Impressive. A gun modified in that way would be too hot for any Taurian to handle.”
Horum Shepard: *Juggles the red-hot gun while blowing on it*
Horum Shepard: “Man, I’d go Paragon if I got speeches like that.”
Garrus: "We can't possibly save Kaidan and Ash."
Tali: "You have to choose one to survive. It's an unthinkable choice."
Horum Shepard: "I can't hear you guys from over where Kaidan is. Speak up."

The Citadel
Saren: “…not worth being a Spectre…”
Horum Shepard: “Don’t. Care. 
*Shoots Saren*
*Blows on gun while Tali and Garrus shoot Saren*
Horum Shepard: “Alright. I stopped Sovereign, shot Saren—“
                                         Garrus: “Me too!”
                                                                                  Zombie-Reaper Saren: “Me too!”
Horum Shepard: “-and managed to keep Garrus and Tali alive. Score!”
Horum Shepard: *winks* “So, Ambassador Udina, I guess humans finally get a seat on the council, eh?”
Ambassador Udina: “No Shepard, humans will be the new council.”
Horum Shepard: *Nervously* “Ah-ha-ha. I’m looking forward to Captain Anderson telling you that won’t--”
Captain Anderson: “I know, ambassador. Humans are the only ones who can handle the Reaper threat.”
Horum Shepard: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m gonna have to go ahead and make a paragon choice to stop you right there: Reapers are done, Saren is done, and I only let the council die to save the galaxy. Threat over. Status quo antebellum.”
Ambassador Udina: “I know Anderson, but who shall lead the human council?”
Captain Anderson: “Who indeed? You or I?”
*Both look at Shepard.*
Horum Shepard: “Hey, I'm sober and I just gained paragon points; I am way out of my league here.”

Garrus: “Let’s get him.”
Horum Shepard: “Alright…I...forgot how to run.”
Garrus: “Really?”
Horum Shepard: "It's been a while since the first game!"
EDI: “Would you like to slip into something more casual, Commander?”
Horum Shepard: “Sure EDI, what do you have?”

EDI: “Dress Uniform”

EDI: “Dress Casual Uniform”

EDI: “Dress Dress Uniform”
EDI: “Business, Mister?”

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