Wednesday, November 30, 2011


“I’ve always wanted to work at a club.”
“As what, a bouncer? Bartender?”
“No. What I do now, just at a club.”
“I like the atmosphere.”
* * *
“You know how it is, trying to get home for the holidays, but it’s always worth it.”
“Eh. My homeward holiday travel is more habit than emotion. Like how salmon swim upstream to spawn…but without the happy ending.”
“How weird would that be, right?”
*awkward silence*
“Are your cousins as hot as mine?”

* * * 
Has This Ever Happened To You?
Website: "Enter Password"
*Kris does*
Website: "Invalid Password"
*Kris reenters password*
Website: "Invalid Password"
Website: "Forgot Password?"
*Kris clicks 'Yes'*
*Kris gets email with temporary password*
*Kris logs on with temporary password*
*Kris changes website password to what it should be*
Website: "I'm sorry, you can't use a password you've already used."

* * *
On Radio: “This is the [Name Redacted].
On Radio: “This is the [Name Redacted].
On Radio, obviously talking to someone that neither we nor they can hear: "This is the [Name Redacted].
“Self awareness is the first component of proving intelligence, but the second is quit repeating yourself!

* * *

Kris: Hey, are those ice cream bars? Are they the ones with the chocolate in the middle or the stupid, white ice cream bullshit in the middle? Stupid white bullshit. Fuckin' Obama. Maybe they're in the stand-up freezer.
*checks stand up freezer*Oh yeah, the stand up freezer only works half the time. Fuck it. I'm out.
Filipino Cook: "Hey, Kris, what ice cream you want?"
Kris: "No. It's cool. I just wanted chocolate...thing. No big."
Filipino Cook: "Chocolate? Okay." *Vanishes into kitchen freezer.*
Kris: "No, I—" I don't even want ice cream anymore. Ice cream becomes a burden if I have to wait more than five seconds for it and that's how long it's taken me to think this thought.
*stands in silence for much longer than 5 seconds.*
Galleyhand: *enters* "Hey, Kris. You need something?"
Kris: "No. Cook's getting me ice cream."
Galleyhand: "Ice cream?" *starts moving toward kitchen freezer*
Kris: "No. The cook is getting it. Don't worry."
Galleyhand: *not understanding a word I'm saying* "okay, okay. I get."
Kris: "No you're not even—"
Galleyhand: "Okay, okay."
Kris: *speaking with the voice that rattles bones and licks heat from a man's blood* "Stop or I will devour beating heart."
Galleyhand: *stops*
We maintain eye contact for several seconds before I realize he doesn't want to go back to what he was doing because that might mean ignoring me and he can't keep doing what he was doing because that's definitely ignoring heart-eating*
Kris: *now whispering* "Go away."
Cook: *leaves freezer carrying three half-gallons of Blue Bell* "No chocolate Kris, but we have—"
Kris: "That's awesome. I'll have a cup of cereal." *Gets a cup of Lucky Charms and eats it.*

* * *
This One Didn't Really Happen
*Kris enters*
American Guy #1: "So [hottest Filipino on the barge] said he's suck [the 2nd hottest Filipino on the barge]'s dick for his phone card."
American Guy #2: "I think they were kidding man; no one wants a phone card that badly."
Kris: "Whoa, whoa, whoa...whoa...whoa. Start this story from the beginning. Slowly."
American Guy #1: "That's the whole story. How do you want it slower?"
Kris: *Leans back* "Set narrative to 'sensual.'"

* * *
The Difference Between Bold and Italic
Brain: Man, fuck that guy.
Penis: Man, fuck that guy.

No comments: