Friday, September 02, 2011

It's the Magic: Phyrexian Jalapeno Paupers Pt II

Last week: Stuff.
This week: The rest of the stuff.

Gremlin Mine reminds me of the guy who has a truck and would—if called upon—provide emotional support in an hour of need. However, I don’t need his truck because I have a Blazer, and as far as emotional support, I have a Blazer! Gremlin Mine does one of two things, neither of which will ever do me much good. I still use it, just like I still hang with people in the absence of material and emotional gain, but it's not too common.

Psychic Barrier. You guys ever hear about this patience stuff? It’s bullshit. Psychic Barrier is that friend who is so uptight and picky that they make you want to go out and be an asshole. No, I’m not going to wait around while I keep two mana free and then maybe hope that someone plays a creature spell. That sounds boring and I want to play spells now! If it can’t play when I’m ready to play, fuck it. I’m too interested in playing to actually win. In Pyschic Barrier's defense, all counterspells make me feel that way.

Except for Dream Fractures. I straight up kill folks with Dream Fractures.

Two guys. One’s a fat sack of crap that can’t do anything unless I make him. The other’s a streamlined killing machine that costs slightly more. This is the comparison between Shriek Raptor and Ogre Menial and for me, the Ogre menials its way to the battlefield every time. Is Shriek Raptor bad? No. At five mana though, I’m getting serious about my commitment. At four mana—even if I have to pay a fifth to get anything else out of it—I’m still thinking of it as “foolin’ around mana.” I can run Menial Ogre into an enemy line of untapped Praetors and not even blink, but Shriek Raptor? If that bastard doesn’t win me the game, fuck him.

No expectations, no responsibilities..I think he's gonna be in Clerks 3.

Maul Splicer isn’t that cool, but she has not one, but two cool friends that always come with her. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you’re into, that’s hard to argue with. If Maul has to go do stuff (like die, probably), that’s cool; I’ll just hang with the twins. Maul Splicer is an unbelievably cool chick, but for all of the work to get her to come around, I don't feel like it’s paying off. To add insult to injury, every time I talk to her, she’s trying to get me to hang out with the rest of her splicer friends. I tried it once, and it turns out they are all cooler, even if they bring a smaller entourage. The other splicers are so much easier to get a hold of that Maul Splicer has just been sitting with the other commons and chilling as of late.

War Report is a middle child. With an older sibling who’s president. And a younger sibling who’s Jesus Christ. I imagine a guy who never brings friends home because they’re always so floored by how cool the rest of his family is. His ex stole his dad’s sheets so she could have his baby. His mom ghost-wrote Catcher in the Rye and did Hunter S. Thompson. She has acid flashbacks that everyone finds hilarious, but continue to traumatize War Report. What I’m saying is that War Report exists between “for each” cards like Corrupt and lifegain cards like Rest for the Weary, and though it’s a fine card in its own right, no one will ever see it for what it is until the rest of its family dies in a flaming car wreck…or rotates out of standard.

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