Star Trek: Sisko

What if Patrick Stewart was unavailable and CBS All-Access made a show about Benjamin Sisko instead?

Scene I

A woman named Dahj is with her boyfriend when mooks beam in and attack her. Her boyfriend is killed because he’s a witness even though the attackers were literally in charge of Earth’s security and could have attacked her at any time and not left a Xahean family asking questions about their missing son or even beamed her into an unmarked panel van in low Earth orbit.

Dahj kills the mooks who were unprepared for the corner-case of Dahj resisting. She has a vision of Benjamin Sisko.

Scene II

Dahj finds Benjamin Sisko on vacation at Sisko’s in New Orleans. Even though Starfleet has framed her for her boyfriend’s murder and she’s a wanted woman, all Ben Sisko sees is scared a young woman with no family. While she’s not his daughter, she’s someone’s daughter and Sisko isn’t about to let a kid be alone and scared in this world.

Scene III

He calls Jake for help. Starfleet security officers come for Dahj and Ben Sisko suplexes them and steals their ship. Sisko and Dahj continue stealing ships until he steals a ship that’s ‘good enough,’ and leaves Earth orbit.

Scene IV

Jake finds out that Dahj’s history doesn’t exist; her parents are fake, but her sister is real. Ben Sisko becomes her father. Jake is arrested after telling Sisko this. Romulan motorcycle ninjas attack Sisko and Dahj and Sisko punches them in half. Hard. Paternally hard.

Scene V

Sisko then calls Elim Garak, who says it’s the Zhat Vash, a super-secret part of the already super-secret Tal Shiar who hate robots for some reason. Sisko says that’s stupid and Garak admits he’s lying because, c’mon, he’s Elim Garak. He eventually says that the Tal Shiar does have a thing against robots so it’s probably whatever’s left of them.

Scene VI

Sisko and Dahj go to an abandoned Borg cube to pick up Dahj’s sister, Soji because she’s in danger. Diet Spock with Lime tries to stop them, but is sent to the shadow realm with a look from Ben Sisko, who’s already pretty angry at being in a Borg cube and not being able to blow it up.

Scene VII

Sisko and crew set course for Bajor. A Defiant-class Starfleet warship tries to stop them. Ben Sisko, in a stolen jalopy, asks the captain if they’re stupid or terminally stupid. The captain meekly replies that they’re merely stupid and lets Sisko proceed. He’s in a hurry so he doesn’t take their ship or their lunch money.

Scene VIII

As Sisko arrives at the Federation starbase in orbit of Bajor. It’s commanded by Admiral Kira Nerys, who pretends she can’t hear Starfleet’s orders to arrest Ben Sisko before laughing in the admiral’s holographic face and telling her to shut the fuck up. They plug Dahj into some stuff and find out where she’s from.

Scene IX

They arrive on Omicron Theta. The guy who made the robots is dead and his actor didn’t have to get paid, but he set up a failsafe so that if he ever died, the two robots he made would be able to live lives with their false memories. Sisko, Dahj, and Soji meet up with Worf and they all double-check, but they can’t find any Phillip K. Dick books or DVDs of Blade Runner, so they suppose life just imitates art sometimes.

Scene X

More Romulan motorcycle ninjas show up. Worf kills a few before asking if he’s supposed to be killing these guys. No one answers, but he keeps doing it so it all works out. Imagine any scene where Wolverine goes ham on ninjas, but it’s Worf instead. He’s never been happier.

Scene XI

Starfleet CNC Admiral Clancy shows up at Bajor to yell at Kira. Kira yells back at her and better because it’s fucking Kira, what are you even trying to pull here, lady? Kira calls Odo so they can laugh at her together. This conversation makes it the longest scene in the series.

Scene XII

The evil Commodore shows up at Omicron Theta and has a death star laser or whatever and is about to blow the planet up. She gets a call from Admiral Clancy who says she’s fired, Jake Sisko has been freed, and Starfleet ships are on their way to arrest her. Odo has been one of her clear globes since Sisko called him off-screen before Scene V. She didn’t think a clear orb could be a changeling. Rookie mistake.

Odo has gathered all the evidence they need to prove she’s the bad guy.

The evil Commodore refuses to give up and Sisko does a flying tackle on her so hard she goes back in time and stops the false flag attack on Mars, saving hundreds of millions of Romulan lives before anyone can realize it was even related to this apparently.

Scene XIII

Sisko heads back to his house on Bajor, Dahj and Soji decide whether they want to keep the knowledge they’re synthetics or return to their old lives, Diet Spock with Lime betrays his organization and ends up being okay, and Worf is still killing Romulans. No one is too worried about trying to resurrect Data because we’ve all mourned him and moved on, but everyone is grateful Dahj was programmed to find someone who could actually help her if she got into trouble.