Monday, August 24, 2015

Don't Fight it, America: Vote Trump

The thing I like most about Donald Trump is that every time--every fucking time--I try to type his name, I throw an "h" in there. I always want to give it a little bit of dimension or class that just isn't there. That's my whole opinion of the guy.

For those of you who don't know, Donald Trump is a professional rich person and reality TV star, like Kim Kardashian without the care put into his appearance. He's currently leading the Republican pack of presidential hopefuls and reveling in both the disgust of the left and the chagrin of the establishment on the right. 

Some say he's not a serious candidate, like a first round Ninja Warrior candidate. Journalists are comfortable imagining he's only running to raise his media profile. I get that; the alternative is imagining that a  Luke Wilson movie is real life.

You know the one.

I don't like him. I think he's an actively bad person whose actions make the world around him a worse place. I think he's bad for America. I think you should just get over it and vote for the man already.

You wanna know what brazen, corrupt, strong-arm assholes like Putin respond to? Brazen, corrupt, strong-armed assholes. The Russian President's brinkmanship in Eastern Europe is based on the bedrock fucking truth that NATO or not, the US isn't putting boots on the ground for fucking *rolls dice* Latvia. We don't give a shit if some pencil-neck in 2004 signed us up for that. 

Every establishment politician will wag their finger at Putin and send humanitarian aid to the area (including, ironically, boots), we're not going to do jack shit because it's not reasonable or popular to fight a ego-first former superpower that's mortally afraid they're losing the peace. Latvia isn't us; fuck 'em.

Trump on the other hand, invites an old saying, "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs." Trump is that amateur. The possibility that he might go to war over Poland just because he thinks that's where stripper poles come from and will not--even seven years into WWIII--admit that he's wrong is the kinda shit that makes other countries think twice.

If it did come to blows, we'd lose half our air force trying to break through a three-mile line of AA guns ringing a giant sign that says "Tяump Heaяts Balls," but is Putin any better?

Civil Rights
Donald Trump is the worst thing for civil rights because he and people like him don't respect the rights of anyone who isn't them. That's why Donald Trump's Great Age of Human Rights Darkness will be a great thing for America.

You see, a lot of people aren't Trump. In fact, a lot of people who will be voting for Trump don't realize how not-Trump they are. But they will learn. At first, they'll shrug as the Latino, Muslim, and the anyone else who can be easily picked out of a crowd get hammered in to shape. Then it'll be those losers who protest over that 2018 image of a INS agent booting a Mexican girl in the jaw. 

If you expect that chain of target to end with everyone who isn't Trump; I won't bore you. The United States security apparatus is vast and largely unquestioned because it rests on a moral character and sense of discretion that flows down from the presidency. It has shit for actual target discretion though and eventually it'll become known that actual, y'know, white middle-class American citizens can be targeted as nothing more than problems to be solved.

Americans will either shake off our complacency and learn--really learn--the meanings of words like "liberty," "principle," and "freedom" or we'll just hunch over, do what that bad man tells us, and try not to get caught. Either way, it's exactly what we deserve.

The Undiscovered Country
There's not enough time to fully describe how Donald Trump will make us competitive with the world's leading assholes or how he's the crucible which will either burn us to the bone or temper a generation to understand liberty anew.

I fundamentally agree that the rotating cast of eternally-smiling politicians which run things entirely divorced from the people they govern are slightly more scary than the people who'd be running things without them. But if those are our options--giving the reigns to the weirdos on the bus, the same ones who hate vaccinations, fear nuclear power, and think they can try an Australian citizen for treason, or handing the reigns to the hyperintelligent rats classically conditioned to run a maze designed by a committee of those same weirdos--I'm endorsing Trump because if we're really going the wrong way as a nation it's best to remember a few words of wisdom:

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