Cap Week: Things to Come

It's CapWeek, the week I celebrate having witnessed the third live action movie about a guy who wears more stars than a kindergarten production of "The Solar System,"and punches more Nazis than is the standard by which punching Nazis is measured.

Yesterday—you know what happened yesterday. Read it again if you forgot.

When I left off yesterday, I had just settled in to watch the Captain America: The First Avenger…previews.

The Immortals is nice and shiny, but it somehow come across as over-produced. Between the sexy, hairless twentysomething cast, shouts for “freedom” in a setting where I can't imagine it being a really popular concept, and obvious wartime setting, it just seemed like a polished, formulaic film pushed in front of a populace hungry to eat up its sexuality, bloodshed, and toothless, affirmative ideology without reflection. That line didn’t start out to be insulting; while The Immortals looks like it will be very good at what it is, what it is is slightly more blatant about feeding a sickened, navel-gazing populace more cultural dessert through an NG tube instead of a good, goddamned nutritional meal you can taste, chew, and swallow.

I don’t know if Tin Tin is something I want to see. The trailer was juuust right, hooking the audience before making it apparent that it’s an all CGI film. There aren’t many story details because it’s too busy billing itself as a fantasy action flick to get over the hurdle of having The Polar Express as its nearest cinematic cousin. I get that, but as someone who doesn't mind when a smart period film just so happens to be rendered in a non-standard format, I'm also not that interested in a pistol-toting kid in a mashup of Sahara and The Mummy. That's reasonable, right? The action on the trailer is probably inflated though, and I'd love to support some next-gen animation in movies. I guess it'll happen one way or another, I just feel irrationally responsible for making it work.

Also, why didn’t anyone tell me there was a 4th Mission Impossible coming out? I should have been warned! Why is Simon Pegg in here?! WHY DO THEY KEEP HANGING TOM CRUISE FROM THINGS!?

Holy crap, the new Spider-Man movie. I don't think I've seen Peter's parents before, in any media at all. They're an element that always felt kind of glossed over and plot-devicey (esp. with Peter's dad conveniently making the webshooters in some continuities), so I'm happy to see a real space explored there. It looks interesting, with Gwen Stacey working with Doctor Connors, the mechanical webshooters, and yes, the incredibly form-fitting new spider-suit. However, every scene with Peter Parker being Peter Parker with his mopey demeanor, stupid hoodie, and sad faces made me want to spew execu-speak teen catchphras—facebooksemoappedgysextingmsypacedriverselicensehipsterTwilightdet

entioncrushtextingconcertJennycrashedhercarwhileunderagedrinkingandgottwowholepagesintheyearbook.

I missed whatever came before Red Skull being a bastard[1], I was too busy trying to imagine the things that kids say these days and then having BSOD about feeling so old.

[1] I'm quoting directly from Act 1, Scene 1 of the Captain America: the First Avenger, script. That's it, "Red Skull being a bastard." Hugo Weaving ad-libbed the dialog and then they added a cosmic cube in post.