I Still Believe - These movies are excruciating. Chirley Kemp? Sad Disease Girl II? Gulf Tears? Every cliche in the book. IDEA: Religious inspo-porn, but every 4th scene is them talking about how immigrant kids deserve to be taken from their parents.
Respect - My dad said “interesting” to himself during this trailer, which is itself pretty interesting.
“The Call” - Oh man, Harrison Ford is gonna get out-acted by a fucking CGI dog in this movie, isn’t he?
Little Women - Cool. Wish it the best.
Sonic - Ok. This still exists.
Scooby Doo - I think if you were really self-aware about this self-aware origin story, you wouldn’t have made it.
A second troll movie - My notes are pretty clear I was surprised by this, despite having seen that trailer a week earlier during Rise of the Skywalker.
Dolittle - I was still on the fence for this going into this trailer, but that bit with the squirrel makes me pretty certain it’s actually bad.
Cats
Monsters. This feels like an episode of Monsters. You remember the old TV show, Monters. Not “Aaaaugh, Real Monsters,” but the low-budget horror series “Monsters.”
So I went into this being kinda defensive; I like bold movies that go against the grain. We dont’ have enough movies that are confident about being weird to do something. But here, almost instantly upon starting, I am asking why they wouldn’t just make this a movie with CGI cats instead of this literal interpretation of a style created by the necessities of theater.
This revelation was brought on by the dodgy CGI jumping scenes.
I don’t know much about Jellico-slash-McCavity cats. I will continue to say “Jellico cats” throughout, despite realizing in retrospect it’s “Jellical.”
In calling Cats specifically, a weird and horny film, folks may have missed:
- Musical theater
- Cats the musical
Why is RumTumTigger 20% more CGI than everyone else? He cute tho.
“The touch of a cat being in rags when cats are all nude is peak language of television,” I noted, aware of the irony that this is a movie version of a theater production.
Glisabella I think her name is.
James Corden doing a passable Gervais here.
Mongojerry and Rumpleteaser. This is certainly a way to introduce your characters.
You people called this thing horny, but what about Mr. Mistopheles being an incel? How does that square with your theory?
“Who is old Dueteronomy?”
Lady, you KNOW they’re gonna sign this out to you.
Don’t think I’m gonna get teary-eyed at this lingering shot of Ian McKellan, movie.
We’re just going to call expositional cat Chad Cat. Chad Chat, if you’re French.
STG, they dubbed some of these lines from Judy Dench.
Fuck. “Memories.” I thought Memories was from Phantom.
Jeez, she’s good at singing. I mean, sometimes popular things are popular for a reason. Damn.
With all of the self-aggrandizing performances and shallow personalities--apropos for cats--you could put a message about social media in here.
Gus’ was alright. This movie almost became self-aware for a moment, with the addition of excessive SFX to support what would be a self-sufficient dramatic presentation.
Skimbol? Is Chad cat skimbol? Guess not.
I do love these sets.
We’re doing tapdancing and it’s notable that the impressive physicality of this show, the dancing, singing, jumping, tapdancing, etc. doesn’t really matter when we can sub in tap sounds and stop for second takes, etc.
I sometimes remark on difficult things being admirable to do for their difficulty, but not being worth doing as “being able to fuck a pie without burning your balls on the hot piepan,” and doing Cats as a movie with overwhelming CGI is definitely fucking a pie without burning balls on the hot piepan.
Skimbols’ deal is basically, “I have a job. Choose me.” It’s no mean feat, but it’s not a hard sell.
Why is Idris Elba’s CGI the worst?
Victoria. Victoria. Vikki. All ideas have to be submitted to the Jellico cats in the form of a song.
Everyone, believe in Incel Cat, okay? I can palapably feel the suggestion of a Chad, Mestopheles, Veronica three-way here under this stock “we do believe in faries” trope.
Well, okay Jennifer Hudson as Gisella. Damn. Can we get this woman an award and get her out of this movie please? There’s literally everything else happening, which is bold but acceptable, then there’s Gisella just being fucking unironically good and heartfelt. I can’t get how you watch this movie and this character and come out of here makes jokes about the uncanny valley and horniness.
Calls it as you sees it, but it comes across as hard-hearted and punitive about the movie’s weirdness in a really petty way.
But this outro deserves every dollop of shit it’s gotten. “A cat is not a dog. What?”
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