Monday, December 03, 2012

Cooking with Kris

I don't cook often. At least, not as often as I used to. I've never been good at it, but sometimes, my culinary experimentation reveals something that I think is worth sharing with the internet at large. I've never been a big fan of standard recipe formats, so you'll have to keep up a bit.

Maybe you, like me, like sweet things. Maybe you also like the occasional drought of alcohol. I stumbled upon a way to mix those two things into one convenient thing.

Start with ice cream:
Any flavor will work. The more exotic, the more effective.

Because, as a general rule, you want to add sweet to sweet, praline pecan liqueuor is next:
It doesn't matter exactly how much. Use your judgment.

Okay, that was too much. Add a thickener. Not ice cream; it's not thick enough:
Again, use your best reckoning to determine the precise amount.

Jesus, that's a lot of peanut butter. Thin it out just a tiny bit. No! Don't use more liqueuor; you're not a complete degenerate after all:
Nothing says "this is part of an optimal chain of decisions" like liquid sugar that tastes like liquid fat..

So, you mix it up in your bowl and eat it.

Congratulations, you have made what I like to call a terrible mistake. It is seriously the worst thing ever. It will not satisfy your sweet tooth. Your sweet tooth will actually leave town for a few days. Your intestines will attempt to follow, with ominous timing. It will not get you buzzed. Science has proven that even as a way to express self-loathing by damaging your body with food, it pales in comparison to the simple fried twinkie. Doing this has no redeeming actions. It benefits no one. Blue Bell Creameries loses 10¢ every time this happens. It is the worst thing that a person could do with food. Even telling you about it makes me less of a human being. Not less of a good person; if I'm ever killed in a massive accident with seven other people, the press will report that 7.9 people died and viewers at home will just nod knowingly, fully aware of just what kind of person I was.
No excuses.

1 comment:

Derek said...

lol nice