Dune: Part Two (March 1st)
Of three? More like "Muad'Deez nuts"!
Accidental Texan (March 8th)
It's a Hollywood-ass version of Texans and Harvard kids alike, but it looks like it has heart. And also, I've got a bit of a soft spot for any Wings alum, Thomas Haden Church included.
One Life (March 15th)
It's really hard to be cynical about a movie based on an internet fact about saving kids from Nazis. Anthony Hopkins seems slightly overcast as The Guy in The Framing Device, but he's 86 and a great actor, so I'll shut up now.
The American Society of Magical Negroes (March 15th)
Looks...interesting? On the one hand, it looks like it could cut a little deeper than it does, on the other hand, maybe not every movie needs to be engaging or challenging for me, personally. Maybe a fun little movie which is self-aware about a racist trope can just be a fun little movie that examines that racist trope.
Mickey's Mouse Trap (March ???)
0 heart, 0 depth, and 0 redeeming values. MMT looks like the hot garbage that gets churned out of a camera's bowels after it's had too many sepia toned Mexico filters slapped on it. It looks like the end credits should read, "Shot on an iPhone 10." It looks like if you make your movie in Sony Vegas Pro, there's a button that shoots out a trailer like this. It looks like if a learning language model was given the prompt, "make a lazy mickey mouse slasher film."
And just like that incoming wave of churned-out LLM try-hardly content, folks will eat it up.
Kung Fu Panda 4 (March 29th)
Despite being an animated animal film and basically a superhero film, looks interesting. Like every beloved CGI movie it's going to get fucking spinoffs until it drills a hole into the ground like classic Superman.
Imaginary (March 8th)
I swear, I thought this was a Dreamworks film badly timed to come out around the same time as that Dreamworks-flavored Ryan Reynolds thing. But no, it's just some horror film with a haunted doll that evokes Ray Bradbury's "Zero Hour." Perhaps a spinoff of 1978's The Bermuda Triangle. Maybe there's an incoming Dolly-verse Cinematic Universe: Chucky, Puppetmaster, Small Soldiers, this, and The Bermuda Triangle all get in on the action.
Props
for using "Just My Imagination." Shame they spoiled one of the biggest scares in
the trailer.
Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire (March 22nd)
I say this every time, but it's a goofy comedy where a guy has a dream that a ghost gives him a blow job. It's not Star Wars. It has more credibility than Star Wars, but it's not Star Wars. It's not a saga. Putting Paul Rudd and Bill Murray into a supernatural action movie does not make it a comedy.
It makes it Ant-Man 3.
Cabrini (March 8th)
Ugh. I love that font!
I don't like god-y movies, but I like a good story about a nun. The child labor and racism are just lagniappe.
William Shatner: You Can Call Me Bill (March 22nd)
Eventually, William Shatner will stop making documentaries about William Shatner. When he dies. That in itself is kind of deep.
Deeper than this movie, I'd bet.
TV Shows
Ark: The Series - Parents, you have been warned. (platform unknown but your kids will find it, March 21st)
X-Men '97 - I learned what cringe was the day I watched this with one of my parents. It was the episode where Mr. Sinister harvested Jean and Scott's DNA. This show was bad and I don't see what's gained by bringing it back, except for the angry reactionaries angry that one frame of Rogue's cake in the trailer isn't as bootylicious as one frame of Rogue's cake in the original series. So I guess it's good if you needed to jerk off to Rogue as a teen.
Also, the shapeshifter is non-binary, which...no shit. (Disney+, March 20nd)
Mary & George - Nicholas Galitzine being an attractive man playing another gay role isn't the only reason to watch this. There's also, uh...girl-cucking? (Starz, March 5th)
Three Body Problem - I've heard good things about the novel. Not sure about the series. Good luck, I guess. (Netflix, March 24th)
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